Clergy cannot be expected to shoulder the entire burden of defending marriage. It is crucial for parents to actively join the opposition to cohabitation.

A Just Response to Cohabitation

By Denise Hunnell, M.D.

As I addressed in an earlier article, cohabitation is one of the leading cultural assaults on the institution of marriage. What was once a great scandal and derided as “shacking up” is now accepted as the norm.

The physical, psychological and emotional dangers of cohabitation have been clearly outlined by writers as diverse as Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse of the Ruth Institute to Dr. Sharon Sassler writing in the pages of the New York Times.

Those who cohabitate suffer more depression, are more often victims of domestic violence, and report a poorer quality of relationship than do their married counterparts. Marriages that are preceded by cohabitation are more likely to end in divorce. That is why I am always saddened to see the adult children of family and friends casually move in with a boyfriend or girlfriend with little regard for the damage they are doing to marriage in general and to their future marriages in particular.

In response to this growing trend, several years ago the pastor of my parish instituted a policy that requires those who wish to have a formal wedding with all the flourishes to live apart for at least three months prior to the wedding. Those who are cohabitating may still be married in the church, but it will be a simple ceremony. There will be no procession, no string of bridesmaids, no special music, and no Mass. They are welcome to invite friends to the ceremony, but it will be so simple that a rehearsal is unnecessary.

When I have relayed this policy to others, I am often met with incredulous stares and responses like “How unfair!” or “That will drive young people from the Church!”

What such responses fail to appreciate is that this policy is actually more just than turning a blind eye to cohabitation. It is true that the bride who chooses to cohabitate before marriage will be denied the dream wedding she has been visualizing for years. But what about the bride and groom who respect the dignity of marriage and wait until after the wedding to live as husband and wife? Should not the Church differentiate their wedding from those who make a mockery of marriage by cohabitation?

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